Funny Thing Happened When I Was Talking to a Rock
They say, "write for yourself." But surely we write for others. A person can keep a diary or can sit in a corner and engage in a two sided conversation, asking and answering the same questions, without the need for outside participation, for that matter.
Courteous reader, would you agree, an author bears a certain responsibility for the entertainment of his readers? Seems reasonable.
For instance, at this point, it would be easy to get on with the teaching by Shrinegold, but it may get a little boring for all three of you, so it seems like this might be a good time to introduce some more action adventure. Whatayathink?
Both Shrinegold and Derby agreed that enough of a break had been granted to the huge gathering seated in the audience (Hi Mom, Hi John Boy!), and so Shrinegold proceeded with their message.
"To answer your question about the seven genders," the voice of the vein began, "these apply to all life forms. There is male and female, we call the primary. There is neuter, and this isn't restricted to "cut cattle"--(steers), castrated male slaves (eunuchs), or spayed pets. There are natural forms of neuter gender organisms and hybrid forms too, such as a male mule. There are many cases of subatomic and cosmomorphic neuter gender life forms."
Shrinegold paused for this to be absorbed. Then continued, "There are the homosexual males and homosexual females. These are distinct and very different than male and female primary. Then there is Spirit Male and Spirit Female. Both of the spirit genders exist as higher life forms and also on Earth. All genders have potential to pass to the Spirit realm, even while they embody a physical living form in the realm you refer to as normal being."
"Excuse me Shrinegold," interrupted Derby. "This Spirit realm thing...you're telling me that these beings are among us and also in other realms too?"
"Yes," confirmed the metalmeister.
"And Spirit has gender?," questioned Derby, who appeared to be immersed in deep contemplation as if solving a problem.
"Spirit primary does not have gender," explained Shrinegold. "But there are forms of Spirit with a capital "S" that are male and female. There is more ground here than we can cover this morning my lad," further explained the vein of gold. "The reason I say Spirit with a capital "S" is because EVERYTHING is spirit, just as everything is alive and nothing is disconnected."
"And you said all gender forms have the potential of transcending into the realm of the Spirit genders?," asked Derby.
"Yes," affirmed the teacher.
"Can it go the other way?," asked our hero.
"Excuse me?," said the rocks. "What do you mean "Go the other way?"
"Can a Spirit Male pass back into the realm of primary Male?," inquisited the Derby Dooby.
When the spirit of the vein was about to reply, two of the cutest polecats you've seen since Peppy LaPew came strolling into the clearing, holding hands. The two appeared to be very much in love and not the least ashamed to show it.
"Dahling, you simply must promise me that you do that "thing" again tonight!," said the one male polecat to the other male.
This must have been the funniest thing either of them had ever heard because they both commenced to giggling and hugging like a couple of 8th grade female human BFFs.
"Oh I promise I will if you promise you will!," replied the other one finally after they both had quit giggling. The pair then noticed Derby and stopped in their tracks. One of the polecats raised one of his paws to his chin in a reflective mood and with his other hand pulled out a pair of glasses from an unknown pocket in his fur. After placing the glasses on and adjusting them, he then seemed to peer over the top of them and announced, "Well lookie here honey. A HOMO sapien!"
The gay pair seemed to want to celebrate their discovery of finding a human in the woods. The other one copped a real attitude and moved his neck as if he was the black female queen of "tude."
"Mister, please don't tell us that you're here to find yourself. Every human we've met seemed to be a total basket case and didn't know their ass from their elbow. Do you know the score?"
Derby was horrified. Didn't have a clue what to say.
"Well, I, er, you see. Hmmmm. May I introduce myself. Derby Joshua Clearwater Ripley. From the US of A. Here talking with Shrinegold, the Spirit of the Vein! Very glad to make your acquaintance...Mr. and Mr....? Skunk is it?"
This sent the two into a rib splitting episode.
"Arrrrrrgg, Arrrr, Arrrr," they both screamed. Tears were flowing. Mr. and Mr. Skunk! Arrrrrggg, Arrrr, Arrrrg....that's precious! Yes honey, we got SKUNK love for each other. Arrrrrrr, Arrrr, Arrrrr! I want to spray my SKUNK love all over him. Will you spray your SKUNK love on me Jasper?"
Then they continued to laugh and laugh about the skunk joke.
Derby looked around for some support from Shrinegold but there was no reflected light coming from the rocks. In fact, he wasn't sure that anyone was home in the vein anymore at all.
"Shrinegold? You there?," Derby asked.
"Yes Shrinegold," imitated one of the polecats as if trying to use his best little girl voice, "Please come back out and play and hold my hand! These big bad animals might hurt me!"
Then again the pair whaled with laughter as if the best joke just hit the stage of the best act of the best play ever written.
"Please," interrupted Derby. "Yes, please enjoy yourselves!," he proclaimed, as if recouping some of his fearlessness. "Laugh and laugh. And then when you're done come kiss my ass!"
"Well, well," said the polecat with glasses, which were now hanging from his neck, held by a ribbon. "Aren't we being a macho HOMO! Careful there honey. Wouldn't want you to hurt yourself!"
Then more gut splitting laughter ensued and the pair started rolling on the ground kicking up their heels. Finally after several minutes of hysterics, they both stopped cold. Gathered themselves up and got all dignified and composed as if a couple of college polecat professors.
"Well welcome to the lair Mr. Derby Joshua Clearwater Ripley!," spoke the distinguished marsupial. "Don't mind us. It's just that we know the score and we don't take non-sense off of hooty humans who come strolling in here hoping to find themselves, while Billy and Johnny and Cindy and Janis and all the other little kiddies back home are fucking up the planet like there is no tomorrow, while Jasper and I and the rest of the animal kingdom suffer the consequences of the mess you make with your chemicals and your radiation and your leaking landfills."
Derby blinked once and looked down. Embarassed and somewhat ashamed, he was frozen and unable to respond. While he fiddled with a stick, making little circles in the dirt in front of him, he was at a total loss how to reply.
When he looked up, after making the decision to apologize on behalf of mankind, the gay pair of striped weasals were gone.
"Well, that went well," came the voice from the vein.
"Where the hell did you go?," Derby asked, as if he was talking to his fifth grade buddy.
"We were here," said the Vein Spirit. "We just wanted to watch you handle it. We give you a C minus on performance but a B plus for your humility. Don't worry buddy. We know you feel bad about stuff. Hang in there ok?"
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